


Stupid Fucking Coffee Guy

by YinAndYangOnIce



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter/Funhaus RPF
Genre: M/M, Ray's a dirty meme lord, and Dan can't read menus, coffee shop AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-20
Updated: 2015-11-20
Packaged: 2018-05-02 14:24:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5251532
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YinAndYangOnIce/pseuds/YinAndYangOnIce
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan sucks at ordering food and Ray is the unfortunate barista who has to serve him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Stupid Fucking Coffee Guy

**Author's Note:**

> So my new pal Abby asked me to write danray coffee shop AU bc she drew cute danray for me so yay look at this mess.
> 
> This would've been like 10,000 words if I'd written this a year ago lmaooooo either I've learned less is more or I'm lazy as fuck

“Dude, you can’t keep giving him doughnuts for free,” Michael said, leaning forward onto the counter and smirking at Ray, who grimaced.

“It’s not for free,” Ray grumbled, swearing under his breath when he leaned forward towards the blender and the brim of his stupid visor bumped into it. He’d worked here for a few months already, you’d think that wouldn’t be happening every day anymore, and yet. “And besides, I hate this job. What do I care if I get fired?”

“Because then you wouldn’t have an excuse to see Stupid Fucking Coffee guy anymore,” Michael teased, rolling his eyes when some dude in a scarf and lens-less Ray Bans reached over him to try and get to the sugar on the other side of the counter and made a big show out of huffing about it. “Fuck off, dude, your chee latte’s getting cold.”

“It’s chai,” Ray said as he watched the hipster guy stomp off. “And I hate that I know that. And I hate you.”

“You would be lost without me,” Michael replied, grinning when Ray turned on the blender super loud just to tune him out.

~ ~ ~

Stupid Fucking Coffee guy was, surprisingly, not his real name. 

His real name, or at least the name he gave Ray to write onto his coffee cup, was Dan, and he’d become the bane of Ray’s existence ever since he came into the coffee shop and attempted to order coffee a few weeks before.

“Attempted” being the operant word, because somehow, the guy literally couldn’t read the fucking sign and ordered a “Doughnut Egg Breakfast Sandwich Coffee” in his dumb British accent.

Ray was sure he looked as confused as he felt, but the guy was pretty cute and capitalism had taught him that the customer was always right, so he shrugged it off and rolled with it.

“So that’s a doughnut, an egg sandwich, and a coffee?” Ray rattled off, putting it all into the register only to look up to see the guy giving him a look that reminded him of a dog when you pretended to throw his stick and he was trying to figure out where it went. 

“Uh, no, just the coffee?” he said and Ray blinked at him. Behind the guy’s broad frame, another guy, a lanky young man with sandy hair and a big nose, dragged his hand down his face in what seemed to be practiced exasperation. 

“Um, okay, so you don’t want the sandwich?” Ray said, glancing up before cancelling the order when he received no argument. “And what flavor coffee did you want?”

“Doughnut Egg Breakfast Sandwich,” he said, as if it should be obvious and Ray wondered if it really was obvious and playing video games until three a.m. had finally melted his brain like his grandmother had always said it would.

“B, that’s not a real flavor,” his friend, also with a British accent, groaned. “You’re reading the menu wrong, again.”

Ray, confused, glanced up at the menu board. Sure enough, doughnut, egg breakfast sandwich, and coffee were all lined up next to each other, but they were under very clearly marked columns to show that they were different items.

This guy couldn’t honestly believe they were all one thing, right?

Ray sat there and watched in awe as the lanky dude spent literally six minutes explaining to the bigger dude why what he was ordering wasn’t real. He was about ready to call the police or someone trained in mental health care when the first guy just turned back to him, looking still confused but resigned.

“Fine then,” the bigger dude huffed. “I’ll just take the Doughnut Egg Sandwich then.”

“Dan!” the skinny guy moaned, hands digging into his hair and looking about ready to pull it out. 

“Well I’m committed now, innit?” the guy, Dan, apparently, hissed back at his friend, seeming to think that the barista couldn’t hear him.

That day, Ray, in a near trance, actually put the contents of a breakfast sandwich between two fucking doughnuts and put it in an actual bag for someone to actually buy and actually (supposedly) eat with their fucking mouth. 

“It’s on the house,” Ray said numbly, because he honestly wanted no record of this encounter ever existing on the face of this Earth. 

“Oh,” Dan said, the confused crease finally lifting from his brow and smiling. “Thanks.”

When he told Michael when he came in an hour later for his daily bear claw and to annoy Ray, he was laughing so hard and so loud that his manager nearly physically threw him out.

“Man, am I glad I’m a piece of shit with no job so I don’t have to deal with dumb cunts like that,” he giggled, taking his glasses off to wipe away a tear. 

“Fuck you, man,” Ray pouted. “I literally lost like ten IQ points having that conversation.”

“Aw, dude, that means you only have three left,” Michael joked, before leaning over at patting Ray’s shoulder just hard enough for Ray to know his friend wasn’t actually providing any emotional support. “Look at the bright side, it can only go up from here.”

~ ~ ~

The next time Dan and his friend came into the coffee shop, Michael was already there and noticed when Ray’s eyes widened in fear. He followed his gaze to the pair walking in the door, eyebrows raising appreciatively. Which, yeah, they were cute, but at what cost?

Looking up, the Doughnut Egg Whatever guy noticed him behind the counter and seemed to recognize him, smiling a little.

“Oh, hello again,” Dan said, waving slightly. His friend looked withered already walking up to the counter. 

“Um, hi,” Ray said, eyes darting to Michael for help, who offered nothing of the sort. “How was your, uh… sandwich?”

There was the loud sound of Michael’s hand smacking the counter as realization passed over his face. 

“Pretty mingin’, if I’m honest,” the guy said, nose crinkling. To his left, Michael was doing a poor job of concealing his laughter. “I think I’ll just take a doughnut this time.”

“Okay,” Ray said, already regretting the following question as it left his mouth, “What kind?”

Doughnut Guy didn’t seem any more thrilled about the question. “Um, I guess… cheesecake doughnut isn’t… are those two different things?” 

Michael looked like he had been personally handed a million dollars, he was so delighted.

“Um, no, that’s actually… I guess I can see how that’s confusing, but no, that’s a real doughnut flavor,” Ray said, actually starting to feel for the guy at the look of utter devastation on his face, which Michael literally lost it at. Dan’s friend, who had been looking embarrassed a second before, seemed to perk up at Michael’s cackling, glaring at him.

“All right, what’re you on about over there?” he snapped in a high-pitched voice, which for some reason sent Michael into a whole new wave of giggles. 

“Okay, so a cheesecake doughnut, then?” Ray asked miserably, ringing him up. 

Man, this dude is really having a hard time, Ray thought to himself, hesitating before marking the price down. Half-price for a half-wit.

~ ~ ~

Dan and his squeaky friend, who Ray learned after he eventually bought a coffee instead of just loitering and looking vaguely bird-like was named Gavin, showed up every few days after that, some days Michael was there, other days, the Gods smiled down upon Ray and he wasn’t.

Not that Michael wasn’t the best friend and brother Ray wished his mother had returned to the store, but whenever he was around when the two came in, he split his time between making fun of them and flirting(?) with the skinny one. 

Admittedly, Dan was getting better at ordering coffee, though it shouldn’t have been that hard in the first place. He hardly asked any questions about the menu and instead just asked Ray about himself.

“So you like working here?” Dan asked, handing over his card for Ray to swipe.

“Oh, yeah, totally. Having to deal with white girls asking for Pumpkin Spice anything in April and having to explain why Egg Sandwich Doughnut Coffee is not a thing,” Ray deadpanned. “What’s not to love?” 

Dan looked affronted until he caught Ray’s teasing smile. He visibly relaxed and smiled back.

“All right, steady on…,” he paused, looking expectantly at the barista.

“Ray,” he supplied, tapping the name tag on his god-awful green apron, still smirking. Dan, to his credit, blushed a little when he noticed the tag had been there the whole time.

“Ray,” he repeated, like he was testing it out. “I guess it’s just better than calling you ‘the tiny, patient barista’ in me head.”  
 “Barista? More like a bro-ista,” Ray said, literally because he couldn’t help it, and Dan let out a surprised cackle of a laugh.

“You’re a funny lad, Ray,” Dan said, taking back his card and going back to the other end of the counter to wait for his drink.

After Dan left, Ray realized he’d never considered what it’d be like to hear his name in a British accent.

He found he didn’t mind it.

~ ~ ~

It seemed, however, that Ray wasn’t the only one emotionally compromised by some British idiot.  
 “You fucking idiot,” Michael muttered as Dan’s friend Gavin patted himself down, looking for his wallet and coming up empty, Ray waiting patiently with the order already keyed in. 

“Michael!” Gavin whined. “I’m literally going to die if I don’t get coffee before this exam.”

“You’re not literally going to do anything, you moron,” Michael griped in a horrible imitation of Gavin’s accent, but he was already pulling his own wallet out of his pocket. 

“Michael, no-“ Gavin started, but Michael waved him off.

“Michael, yes,” Michael said, slapping the cash down onto the counter, which Ray took with a roll of his eyes. “Better than listening to you bitch about it forever.”

Gavin seemed to accept that, putting on a wide smile. “You know, when we first met, I thought you were a massive prick, but it turns out, you’re just a lovely little boy.”

“Just get your damn coffee, asshole,” Michael said, looking put out, but Ray could see the pleased upward tilt of his lips at the praise.

After Gavin had taken his coffee with a million more thanks for Michael and scrambled out to run to his exam, yelling a “See ya, B!” over his shoulder to Dan, Ray was able to fully give Michael the side-eye he deserved.

“I’m not sure I appreciate being an accomplice to your seduction,” he said and Michael looked at him incredulously.

“Beg pardon?” Michael grunted, reaching behind the register to grab a packet of sugar, ripping it open, and pouring it straight into his mouth.

“Look, I know what they say about Europeans, but I don’t think this guy’s as easy as a cup of coffee,” Ray said, nodding towards the door.

“You’re fucking stupid,” Michael said. “The guy forgot his wallet, I helped him out. I can’t believe you’re shitting on the one good deed I’ve ever done.” 

“You immediately called the ASPCA after you saw that sad Sarah McLachlan commercial,” Ray said. “I mean, you waited until you stopped crying, but-“   
“All right, so I’m a good fucking person, what’s your point?” Michael grabbed another sugar packet, which Ray slapped out of his hand.

“My point is that you have a crush on the walking nose.”

Michael looked vaguely offended as he sputtered out some sort of excuse. “You’re crazy, I swear. He’s just some British dumbass who can’t remember his own wallet. I buy him one coffee and you think I want his dick in my mouth?”

The old lady standing behind Michael waiting patiently to order her drink looked severely scarred by the time Michael let her step around him to the register.

“What’s this about Gav, then?” Dan asked, walking back up to the front where the two boys were standing.

“Michael has a crush on him,” Ray said simply and Michael turned pink.

“Ray!” 

“Do you?” Dan asked, looking ecstatic about that fact. 

“I do not,” Michael screeched. “No offense, Dan, but your friend is a massive fucking idiot.”

“I know,” Dan conceded. “But he’s a nice guy, really.”

“That’s great for him,” Michael said defensively. “Stop trying to sell me on your friend.”

“I’m just saying, you could do worse,” Dan shrugged, handing his cup over to Ray, who took it and moved back to the coffee machine. “And I think he’s quite fond of you, as well.”

Michael tried to look aggressively like he didn’t care. “Good for him.”

“Here you go,” Ray said, handing Dan back his coffee cup. “Extra whipped cream because I prefer you over Michael.”  
 Dan chuckled and Michael made a face, which became more and more smug the farther Dan walked away from them. 

“At least I don’t lie about free refills on $4 drinks!” he hissed.

“Charging for refills is oppressive. I’m rejecting capitalism. I’m a crusader,” Ray proclaimed, slamming on fist onto the counter before ripping off a receipt and handing it to a customer, with a bland “You have a nice day, ma’am.

“And besides, how is that any different than you buying a drink for Gavin?” he challenged and Michael huffed, grabbing his drink and stomping towards the door.

“Embrace nihilism, Michael!” Ray called after him, receiving such an obscene gesture in return that the old lady from before nearly dropped her frappe. “Embrace it!”  
 ~ ~ ~

Of course, the denial didn’t last long. Self-deprecating and extremely dry humor actually required a lot of introspection so Ray was always pretty aware of what he was feeling and nothing made for good cynicism like young love. Bonus points if it’s unrequited and super ironic.  
 Ray’s crush on Dan checked all of those boxes.

Michael, on the other hand, could and would deny something until his dying breath, especially when it came to any feelings that weren’t anger, so at least Ray had that on him.

That said, they were still both single, so.

“So why don’t you just ask him out then?” Michael asked, as always blocking Ray from the line.

“Because, Michael, that would require taking life by the balls and seizing control of my own destiny, which is clearly out of the question,” Ray replied, putting only a standard amount of whipped cream on an order that called for extra. “And yesterday, I streamed a Monster High video game for six hours, so clearly control is something I lack.”

“Yeah, you’re pretty much a mess, no offense,” Michael said.

“None taken, I’m dead inside,” Ray shrugged, as the lads in question walked in the front door, the bell above it tinkling at their arrival.

“Hello, lads!” Gavin said, waving as he walked towards them with Dan in tow. “Hello, Ray!” he crowed before turning to Michael and grinning. “Lovely Michael.”

“You’re an idiot,” Michael grumbled, shrugging off the arm the Brit slung around his shoulder. Dan smiled at the two of them and then looked at Ray, who rolled his eyes and tried to act like they weren’t actually really cute together.

They ordered their usual drinks and when Dan received his, he grinned at the doodle on the side of the cup.

“Your doge’s are getting better,” he complimented and Ray felt stupidly pleased.

“Thank you, I’ve been practicing,” he said. “Much meme. Very pathetic.”

“Why don’t you draw stuff on my cups?” Gavin whined, squealing with glee when Ray took his cup back and started writing on it. His joy was snuffed out when it was returned to him with a very detailed penis drawn on the side.

“Oh, Ray!” Gavin cried to Michael’s uproarious laughter. Dan was laughing along and even Ray smiled at his own stupid joke and he sort of really liked the idea of the four of them as a cute, little unit together.

~ ~ ~

“So how do you go out on dates?” Ray questioned as he rung Dan up for a marked-down doughnut and a hot chocolate he threw because why the fuck not. 

“Infrequently and having accepted death,” Dan said nonchalantly and Ray stared at him in wonder. “I’m guessing that’s not what you meant, though.”

“Uh, no,” he said, recovering himself quickly. “I meant like, since menus are a fucking enigma to you, but I somehow prefer this answer.” 

“I’ll be honest, I’ve spent a lot of money on meals that weren’t meals,” Dan admitted. 

“And eventually you’re going to have to stop bringing Gav on all your dates,” Ray joked, spraying whipped cream straight into his own mouth and then into Dan’s.

“Whuh abuh oo?” Dan garbled around a mouthful of cream and Ray snorted.

“Come again?” he asked, waiting patiently for Dan to swallow it all. 

“I said, ‘What about you’?” he repeated and Ray raised his eyebrows at him.

“What about me?” 

“You know,” Dan said. “Dates.”

Ray felt a weird stirring in his chest at the question, like something was tugging at the bottom of his heart towards his stomach. “You want me to come with you on your dates and translate menus for you?”

“What?” Dan asked.

“What?” Ray parroted.

“No, I mean,” Dan seemed flustered, but pressed on. “I mean, you. On like. A date. With… me?”

Oh. Oh.

“Oh, really?” Ray’s cheeks were flushed and he was smiling despite himself and there was a huge pile of whipped cream on the counter with small latte hidden somewhere underneath because he’d stopped paying attention and had been spraying the same bottle for a full minute.

“Yeah,” Dan said, giving him a shy smile. “I mean, if you want to.”

“Okay,” the barista said, already taking off his apron and jumping over the counter (his shift was just about done anyway.) “But maybe we should try someplace with a Kid’s menu.”

~ ~ ~

“And I’m telling you that for $70, yeah, I fucking would eat a loaf of wet bread,” Michael insisted, watching in thorough enjoyment as Gavin gagged into his hand before re-entering the argument.

“You would eat soggy, damp-“ he retched again, “bread, but not a cup full of semen?” 

“My own semen? Not a chance, I’m a disgusting piece of shit. But someone else’s,” Michael waggled his eyebrows meaningfully at the Brit sitting across the table. “I could be persuaded.”

Gavin looked half-touched, half-horrified but when he opened his mouth to flirt back, he ended up gagging again.

Michael cackled as he watched the other boy heave, but he also hooked his ankle around Gavin’s affectionately under the table. 

“I don’t understand how they can go from literally disgusting to adorable in three seconds,” Dan muttered, shaking his head.

“I hate them,” Ray agreed.

“Ray,” he turned his head and found his manager, Geoff, walking towards him and looking as exhausted as ever. “Look, man, I’ve been overlooking the free doughnut thing for a few months now, but we have a dick ton of complaints about your friends, so…” His eyes were trained on Ray, who slowly began to realize what was going on.

“Wait, are you firing me?” he asked, and both Michael and Gavin looked up from their table nearby, looking slightly concerned.

“Sorry, man, I know it’s not fair that-“

“YES!” Ray screamed, already standing up on the counter and throwing his stupid fucking visor and stupid fucking apron onto the floor. Everyone in the cafe was staring at him and Michael (as well as his manager) was shrieking with laughter as he jumped down onto the floor and then up again onto Dan’s back, who caught him readily. “Let’s get the fuck out of here!”

Dan laughed, throwing his head back and he accidentally bumping into Ray’s glasses in the process before jogging out of the coffee shop, making horse noises while Michael and Gavin followed behind.

“So, you seem to be suddenly free for the rest of the night,” Dan hinted coyly. “Wanna go get coffee or something?”  
 Ray beamed, leaning forward to press his lips to the side of Dan’s head.

“I would literally rather fucking die. Let's go do literally anything else.”


End file.
